


No Homo, Yes Homo

by mightymontster, unkissedcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Dean, Cannibalism, Crack, M/M, Mpreg, Smut, Spelling errors on purpose, Top Castiel, idk what to tag this, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightymontster/pseuds/mightymontster, https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissedcas/pseuds/unkissedcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An inspiring story about two beings who fall in love in the back of a police car. When their love is suddenly stopped abruptly, they amount to taking the same hobby. Buttfucking eachother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly crack!fic two girlfriends wrote over the course of a few hours thanks to their random conversation on kik. Stupidity and spelling errors (and general OOCness) fully intended. Read at your own risk.

DnaE glared at Cas, a low growl rising in his throat. The hunter wanted to slap his face. They were arrested for fighting in public, and it was all his fault. That feathery ass son of a bitch.

His anger was ever-growing, almost enough to where he could start another fight, though in the back of a car with an addition of handcuffs. 

"You know, Cas, this is all your fault." dnaE spat, an inferno of anger in his green rapunzel eyes. But, as usual, the angel stared at him. A very silent, but so full of emotion, stare. "Son of a bitch!" the hunter murmured under his breath, watching the ground travel.

"You're so fucking annoying, and bossy, and won't shut up about your angel problems crap for one second!" DnaE lifted his cuffed hands slightly, groaning. The angel didn't respond. "Oh great, now you're giving me the silent treatment," he huffed.

"Keep it down, boys!" the officer warned, which, however, only fuelled Dena's anger. "You know what, asshat? Screw you! This is our business, not yours. You have no right to participate in this shit!"

Just as the officer was going to reply, Cas used his brand-new-tie-making homosexual powers to get the fueled Dean, and himself, out of the car. 

"Get this shit off my hands, too," DnaE commanded, tapping his foot against the ground impatiently.

Cas nodded, his tropical ocean blue eyes still locked with Dena's. It was a quick motion, the anal moved towards the hunter and broke the metal cuffs placed on his wrists. 

DenA let out a slightly irritated sigh and looked down at his, now free, hands. "Come on, we still got shit to solve out. Don't think this made me any less mad at you." The dude motioned for Cas to follow him into a dark alley.

They set off, EnaD's footsteps heavy as he walked, head held high and a princesslike pout on his lips. Cas' walk was the usual, slightly slumped, wearing a pokerface as he stared at the bOOTY.

When Dena decided they were far enough in the alley, he pinned Cas against a wall and snarled. "You little shit, you annoying fluffy winged fuck!"

And he proceeded to beat the crap out of the anal, until the poor thing was sitting on the ground, face bruised and bloodied.

"DnaE, if you're in there," Cas said in a broken voice, gasping in pain. "This isn't you, DnaE. I know you're in there, I know you can hear me."

Dena narrowed his eyes at the anal, before slapping him. Emotionless face, all that. Something odd was going on.

"DneA, it's me," Cassieboo continued, "we're family. I need you."

Dena dropped the anal blade and leaned in to caress Cas' cheek. "Cas, you forgot."

"What?"

"No homo."

"Oh. Okay. No homosexual activity, only platonic."

"Promise?"

"Promise." the angel lied, crossing his fingers in the process.

"Okay then. Good." Dena smiled, and grabbed the angel by his sex - holy cow did you put this here - hair and shoved his tongue down his throat. Siren-style. Hell yas.

The anal was overwhelmed by the sudden contact, the fluffy little shit trying to stand up. He stumbled forward and whimpered slightly; Dena was sucking on his split lip, which made it sting like hell.

DnaE moved his hands down to touch the bOOTY. Cas finally stopped stumbling forward and his feet were stable on the black ground. He curled his fingers into the hair on the nape of Dena's neck, deepening the kiss.

Soon, Dena's feral attitude faded, and Cas' own sexual aggressivity surfaced. The anal performed buttsex on the hunter. Hella gay buttsex.

The no homo promise was shattered in just one second.

**

And then, a wild Hestah appeared.

"Oh my Father! Castiel! What are you doing with this impure, wicked hunter! He is bad influence, Castiel! And homosexuality is a sin! A serious sin!" she screamed, hand over her mouth.

Cas blew her away with his homosexual powers and resumed the fun he was having with Daen.

**

After months of waiting, Dena lay, heavily grunting, in a hospital bed. The room was in a quick fester, and Cas was told to wait outside.

DnaE gave birth to two bootiful half-angel babies. There was a giggly one with a pink ribbon on her head making a little ponytail out of her sweggy hair. The second baby was almost an exactly mash of the two parents, containing Dane's precious hair and lips and Cas' fairytale-blue eyes.

Cas held one of da babies and Dean held the other one. Then DnaE started coughing up blood. Cas screamed and flailed wildly, but it was too late. The anal's object of giving anal was ded.

Cas pulled a plan out of his magical carpet. He strolled overto the crossieroads and made a stoopid dealie with da helldemons. 

"I'll sell my soul for Deanie Weenie, take me to church in ten years as long as DnaE is back. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. But only if my bb lives." he squeaked, eyebrows furrowing into a sad frown. 

"Done deal." the demon said, eyes flashing red before moving in for the deal sealer. A kiss, not at all like the one Cas was used to. 

Cas solemnly walked home, opening the door to see NeDa watching a show. It was about cooking apple pie, pumpkin pie, pudding pie, blueberry pie, cherry pie, key lime pie, pecan pie, chicken pot pie, lemon pie, boston creme pie, and banana cremme pie.

"DnaE!" Cas said. "Where are the babies?" he asked with a smile.

"Oh sorry, I baked you a pie." Cas smiled back, holding out the red object.

"Oh boy, what flavor?" came DnaE's second question, an even bigger smile rising on his face.

"Baby flavor." Cas paused, continuing after handing the pie to DanE. "Hannibal and I cooked it up. It looks good doesn't it?"

Dena nodded and instantly started nomming on the pie. Then got stomach cancer and died. Again.

**

Ten years later, Cas was sitting on his bed, watching the clock nervously. Only eight seconds to midnight. He could hear the hellhounds barking. The last thing he remembered before he was torn to shreds was the flavor of baby pie in his mouth. 

**

"Shut up bitch," Cas growled, a smirk growing on his lips. He shoved the already tortured DnAe into the wall, temptation whispering in his mind in Enochian. Cas forced his tounge into Dena's mouth, almost touching every surface inside. 

The longer the kiss was, the more aroused DnaE grew, groans barely escaping from his sore throat. Both of their chins were red from stubble burns.

Suddenly, Cas pulled his mouth away from Dena's, lips barely ghosting over his neck, stubble scraping the sensitive skin there.

Castiel grinded his hips against Dena's, pushing his mouth forward to suck on his neck hard, leaving a bruise there before moving down lower. There, he left another bruise, and another, and another.

This continued on for years, or so it seemed. It was unbearable, slow, unfair torture.

After what seemed like hours of dry humping later, Cas decided to finally pull down their pants, prep Dena, and fuck him till he forgot his own name.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassie and Dena make bacon and pie. Aaron screws a watermelon. Everyone is a magical fairy princess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doot. Well, that took long. Heheh. We're so responsible. Reliable. Yeh.

Dena chopped up the holy infant, so tender and mild, whilst Cas made the delicious dough for the pieee. It was. Homemade. Well more like hellmade but.....

They made the best cooking pair ever, like who woulda known. Rite?

And then dnAE decided they wud make bacon out dis one because it had just the right amount of baby fat and it was just so easy to slice up and shizzle.

Then the baconphobic golem turned up. Baconphobia was just like homophobia but WORSE. Wat kind of lOSER could hate on bACON. IT WAS LOOOOOOVE.

Okey so the golem saw Dena flipping the bacon on the frying pan, and then taking a strip and... GASP!! Putting it in front of Cas' lips, who then took it in his mouth and they kISSED. With bACON LIPS. EW NO.

"YOU BACONMOUTHS!!!" came the angry roar of the hugeass monkey who didn't know whAT WAS GOOD. He smashed one of the most deLICIOUS PIES IN THE BABY BAKED FACTORY, THE ONE MADE OF FAKE CAS' SON WESTY, WHICH DENA WAS SAVING FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER TONITE, FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY AND ASDAJKS. NOW IT WAS ALL GONE. ALL LOST. ALL THE HARD WORK AND ALL. AND IT WAS... WHYYYYYYY!!

DEAN SCREAMED A VERY MANLY SCREAM AND HOPPED UP ON THE GOLEM'S HEAD, SLAPPING THE BACON HATER WITH A REALLY BIG DILDO. IT WAS COLOSSAL.

"ouCH" screamed the insanely angry thing, rolling away in a quiet flee.

Aaron POTATO appeared out of nowhere, whispering two words, "mm kinky." He then proceeded to have really angry buttsex with a watermelooon.

Dena accidently stumbled upon the buttsecks and made a high pitched scream at the sight. Farting spider monkeys and flying off to space on special apple flavored winged condoms.

Cas screamed after him. "DENA WAIIIIIT BBY SWEET CHERRY PIE U SEXI ASS LOCHNESS MONSTER KUM BAKK"

The anal den proceeded to flap his homosexual fluffy rainbow wings and twirl off after dnaE like a ballerina.

**

"Dnae water u doin" Cassie asked, lips puckering in confusion as his sassy bi boyfrand spun the fancy black lasso in the air.

"Here take dis bb" dena said as he untide the knot on ze lasso and made it into a simple back rope, handing it to the bae.

The bae blinked a couple times, beeefore relizing wat dena wanted. "Oh okie"

The anal tied dnaE's hands above his head, straddling him. "Today you're my little bitch."

Dena made some kind of distraught moan, bringing a smirk onto Cas' face.

In a second, the gay angel man was all over him, kissing and biting and grasping at anything he could reach. Suffocating him by how long he let his lips rest on the other male's.

Sliding his hand down to the wet patch on dena's jeans, Cas clicked his tongue. "So wet for me already, huh?"

The anal pulled down the piece of clothing, and dnaE's length, already dripping with precome, sprung free. "Tsk tssk, and no boxers either? Dean Dean Dean, naughty naughty naughty. Let's see what we can do about that."

Cassey bit down on dena's collarbone, making him let out a soft whimper of pain-pleasure. He then got off him and shoved him up on his knees, tying his hands to a conveniently placed pole.

But as Asstiel reached his high, he left a soft scratch on Dean's skin. The scratch wasn't too deep, just enough to draw blood. But what came to his surprise, the blood wasn't red. It was black.

"Oh shiz." The fake dNea said, keeping his form. "I was really enjoying that there.."

"Where's DeNa." Cas demanded.

"Not up my butt, as you would have been if you weren't so damn rough."

"Where is he?" 

"I dunno lol."

"WHERE IS HE DAMMIT!"

"Okay fine. He's in a cage with Crowlie-boo. Warning though, things might have gotten a little...... intimate."

"Off with your head!" Cas said, chopping off the levi!Dena's head off. 

It rained majik milk as ugleeeee blacky tacky goo gushed out the leviathan's neck, and Cas caught the drops on his tongue and sang 'It's Raining Men' rLY LOUDLEE.

Cassie then used his majestik flapflap wingehs to transport himsalf to tHA CAEGGG OF DOOOOMMMM.

There, Crowlie-boo was a-bangity banging hjis boyfrand. Cas frownED LOUDLY AND KICKED CROWLEYS ASS REAL HARD, SENDING HIM OFF TO SPAEC.

THEN HE RELIZED ONE THANG. DENA WAS IMPALED ON CROWLEES DICK AND THEREFORE HE WAS IN SPAEC NOW TOO. FRICKITY FRACKY MUSHROOM STACKY YOURE SO TACKY.

cAZTIELLE WHIRRED AS HE GOT INTO CASTA THA SPACE EXPLORA MODE. AND DEN HE VERY QUICKLY PULLED DANIE BACK DOWNNNNN.

"hOW DARE YOOOOOUUU" he shouted in his faec.

Dena staerd at him blankly. aND DEN HIS EYES TURND BLEKK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, all spelling mistakes are fully intended. This is pure crack. Love y'all! <3

**Author's Note:**

> There are some references to Cas Bakes Dean a Pie in this fic. We claim no rights of any kind to Cas Bakes Dean a Pie, it is simply a reference and a reference it shall stay.


End file.
